It’s not something that I care to come home to, is the brown envelope.
It’s something that I never think will arrive, and always catches me on the hop. Take today, for example.
We started it off in a muted way, the wife and I, with a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal for me; I was neither feeling well, nor particularly poorly. In fact, from the night before, when we had done some arty things together, I was probably a 4 out of ten. Which is quite bearable, if not positively wonderful.
I hied myself off to the charity that gives me an outlet for poor days, Towers Above, a place of healing though art. I arrived, chatted and started about my latest ceramic masterpiece – meh – and had a damn good boost to my general mood and ability rating; off I toddled at the end of the session, and managed not just to go to Hobbycraft alone, but to chat to t’girlie from the knitting section about knitting, life and art. She intimated I should contact the manager-type person who dealt with demonstrations, as I seemed able and interesting, to set up a date to come in for an art day for customers. And I damn’ well thought, at that point in time, that I might be able to, as well; I made a note to look at the possiblility for the new year. If I could get through that, I could see a bonus in it for me of health-sense. Worth trying to do it.
All in all, I now rated probably 7 on the ability and mood scale. I’m pretty happy, looking forward to going home and getting on with some art.
The Brown Envelope was waiting for me.
Threats from the Government as to what would happen if I was unable to comply with what the job centre were going to be telling me to do from the 3rd of December – yes, I an Duncan Smith, a merry fucking Christmas to you too – to whit, ‘sanctions’, a gradual reduction in my benefit until I came to heel.
Now, following the assault by the police, and handcuffing, in Wellington (see this blog ), I’m not even going to get into the Job Centre, because I simply cannot go into Wellington any more. Being scared of a place is no longer an ‘adequate excuse’ – if you think about it, if severe illness is not a good reason not to go to the job centre, then very little else (except, maybe, death) is going to cut the mouse turd, is it?
So now I am at a 2. I have very little but gradual, but accelerating, impoverishment to look forward to, and eventually the loss of the house. Sure, there are people in the world worse off than me in the poverty stakes, but most of them do not live in a rich country, or have paid into a social insurance for their working lives. Indeed, these poor people are going to be much worse off, ironically, since the aid Belinda and I currently give them will soon be cut off.
Threats from a Government – whatever the flavour or colour – toward ill people is a sign you are living in a very poor country indeed; not poor in resources or financially, but a country that has reached rock bottom in the way it treats the most vulnerable of its citizens. A country so lost, so spiritually and morally bankrupt, that it is willing to put up with propaganda and strictures against the disabled, the like of which have not been seen since Germany of the 1930s – and thought that, with the sacrifice of lives that people in WW2 suffered, we would never see again.
Threats in the post from a Government. I shall soon be forced to wear a Black Triangle on my clothing. I may preempt them and wear it anyway.
I’m unable now to see forward, with the remainder of people willing to let people like me die, some at their own hands, some at the hands of the DWP and ATOS, and this (Tory) government.
I’m sort of lost.
I’m sort of afraid.
I’m very, very alone.